


If I Tell You I Love You

by starprise_entership



Category: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: Emotional Conflict, M/M, Song-inspired, mostly thoughts, season 7-ish i guess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-28
Updated: 2018-03-28
Packaged: 2019-04-14 02:51:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 643
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14126505
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starprise_entership/pseuds/starprise_entership
Summary: Garak grapples with his feelings for Julian.





	If I Tell You I Love You

**Author's Note:**

> Title comes from the song of the same name by Melody Gardot.

Garak is a smooth talker, and he knows it. It’s far, far too easy to say something that flusters Julian and makes his breath hitch in his throat, and Garak knows how to play that to his advantage, to get the good Doctor’s lips on his once again. And he knows that his affection for Julian stretches far past merely the physical, for he finds himself time and time again, acting in Julian’s best interests.

Lying in bed, Garak adjusts the covers snugly around his shoulders. He contemplates, emotionally confused. _There has to be a reason why I tend to take actions based on his benefit recently. I’m very sure that I have motives. But they’re buried so deep within the corners of my mind that not even I can come up with a reasonable explanation for my actions._

The blanket shifts away from Garak again, much to his frustration. _You just won’t let me get any sleep, will you?_ He says in his head, to his sleeping companion beside him. Tossing and turning, Garak rolls over on his side to face Julian. As he studies Julian’s features, Garak allows his mind to drift.

_There’s still so much I could say to you. There’s still so much we could experience together._

_Elim!_ He chides himself. Blinking hard, he tries to forget the conversation he’s having with himself, but to no avail.

_Do I love him?_

_Absolutely not._

There are still so many places to visit. Garak wants to get off this station urgently, and while he can’t return to his native Cardassia, there’s always the millions of possibilities out there in the stars (though most of them have been ruled out, with the war going on and all). But when he looks into Julian’s eyes, there’s always that ever-present spark of adventure and ambition. If Julian were to go off on an interstellar adventure, Garak is sure that he’d be right there with him, no matter how wild the journey. The sky shines with potential, waiting to be explored and enjoyed and indulged.

Another thing he indulges in, are his secrets. Deep, dark, juicy secrets. He’s got many stories to tell from his time in the order, but there’s no way he’s going to give them up so easily. But it would be quite nice, if he were to spin a string of stories for Julian, and allow him to slowly pick apart each one and unravel the threads to arrive at the implied truth. That would give Garak himself a bit of satisfaction.

Still, one simple, three word phrase lingers at the back of his mind.

_It’s not love, Elim. You’re lying to yourself._

But maybe it’s not so much a lie, and more of a half-truth? Garak finds himself having an insistent urge to follow Julian, to follow him no matter how far, to the edges of the galaxy. But what exactly is love? A philosophical question, but one that he dare not answer when Tain still had control over him. There was no love in his family, no love in his line of work, but how much would this love come forth now, in a time of war and desperation?

_I can’t die alone. I can’t die alone without him._

_You’re just lonely, Elim!_

Tain had always told him that sentimentality was his weakness. And maybe he was right. He was absolutely, clearly, without a doubt, right about this weakness.

_Sentimentality was a weakness then, but situations and circumstances in my life have changed since then, haven’t they?_

Taking a deep breath, Garak allows himself a moment of vulnerability as he scoots closer to Julian. Shaking, Garak lightly presses his lips to Julian’s forehead.

“I, I do love you.” mutters Garak softly in Kardasi. Julian hardly stirs, but Garak goes to sleep with his heart resolved and his mind clear.


End file.
